My favorite Bill O’ Reilly spoofs… {Chelsea Lately and others}

I can’t stop laughing at The O’ Reilly dance remix. (Warning: Bill O’ Reilly says some form of the F word about 43 times) O’ Reilly should know that any “blooper,” especially one with swear words in it, will be remixed and posted on the net long after the original becomes mundane. O’ Reilly’s outburst stemmed from the fact he has not kept up with the times; he was embarrassed that he didn’t know what “play us out” meant when he read it on the TelePrompter. The stage manager (the voice counting “and 5,4,3,2,…”) just wanted to finish the segment, and kept his cool when O’ Reilly started acting up. O’ Reilly’s on-the-spot change was almost archaic. Who “cuts albums” these days? (There is still a huge record collection in our basement, but the turntable has been broken for years) See the entire piece of footage on You Tube where even Howard Stern was impressed with they guy O’ Reilly was yelling at.

Comedian Chelsea Handler spoofed the video last night on Chelsea Lately. In the clip, Chelsea takes it a step forward by ripping the shirt off one round-table guest revealing his red bra, pulling a wig off writer Heather Mc Donald, and shooting her assistant, Chuy, with a bow and arrow.

On the air, O’ Reilly appears more on-edge than edgy, like he’s sleep-deprived and has taken a few too many No Doz. His delivery is often sensationalistic like that of Dr. Phil, so here is a video that puts these two men’s sound bytes against each other.O’ Reilly vs. Dr. Phil

O’ Reilly should take a lesson from Bret Michaels, who thought the Saturday Night Live parody of his show, Rock of Love II, was hilarious.

PJ

Crazy Chef Andrew sent home on Top Chef Chicago

Season 2 runner up, Sam Talbot was the guest chef this week on Top Chef Chicago. Sam, a diabetic and son of a police officer, asked the chefs to create sexy salads and healthy and hearty boxed lunches. Dale and Stephanie came out on top and won praise from the judges who said that their dishes were satisfying, great tasting, and healthy. Despite being criticized by Antonia for only being able to cook Asian food, Dale won this week’s challenge with his marinated bison in cabbage cups. As a reward, he received a Rutherford Hill 2002 bottle of Merlot and two tickets to visit the Rutherford Hill’s winery in Napa Valley, CA.

Spike, Andrew, and Lisa ended up as the bottom 3 for their failure to deliver a healthy boxed lunch for the Chicago Police. These three also delivered the most vocal barbs to fellow chefs. Spike, who won the Sexy Salad Quickfire, had an advantage of selecting 4 items at the market that the other chefs couldn’t use. Strategically, he chose tomatoes, bread, lettuce, and chicken, in turn making everyone else invent a boxed lunch out-of-the-box so to speak. Lisa announced at the onset that everyone’s “personality sucks-a**” and later claimed that one of the chefs burned her rice. The judges, however, were put off by her raw shrimp more than the burnt rice. Andrew said he “woke up today with a f***ing fire inside my stomach, you know, like I’m going to stab somebody, or I’m going to make some amazing food.” Fortunately, he didn’t stab anyone, and unfortunately (for Andrew), the judges hated his dish and the police thought the meal was not satisfying. Andrew was furious that Lisa “threw him under the bus” by telling the judges that he didn’t use a whole grain. Andrew then admitted to the judges that he had lost his rule sheet, but in the end, he was sent home because the judges hated his dish.

Will Dale keep the Merlot for himself and retain his a**hole status with the other chefs?

Coming up is the next instalment of the popular Restaurant Wars.

Chef Matty’s in heaven on Hell’s Kitchen

Chef Matt Sigel soared high above Hell’s Kitchen this week, far from the the Blue Team and Wrath of Ben. After beating Ben in a blind taste test challenge and securing a win for the Red Team, Matt thoroughly enjoyed watching Ben, “getting his ass kicked tonight.” Matt did not hold back his comments: “You can’t cook, buddy” and “I love it when Karma bites you in the ass.” Matt was proud that Ramsey said his risotto was “the best risotto ever served in Hell’s Kitchen.” But Matt couldn’t have been happier when Chef Ramsey found out that Ben didn’t have the lamb ready:

Ramsey: What’s on that ticket? Come on!

Ben: 6:30

Ramsey: What time is it now?

Ben: 8:00

What were they doing for an hour and a half? The Blue Team couldn’t get it together, and aside from Louross working hard at the salad station, Ramsey watched the rest of the men go down in flames. Ben didn’t help by telling Ramsey he “couldn’t work in this system”; ironic because it was Ben who spearheaded the men’s system of incompetence.

I give the guests on the Blue side a lot of credit for their patience and tolerance. Some walked out the door, but one women broke out a Breakfast Bar and remarked, “This is really embarrassing, you know? I don’t want to have to eat a snack at a restaurant.”

In the end, neither kitchen completed their dinner service, but it was the men’s team who lost. Ben continued scheming by asking everyone to nominate themselves. This strategy worked for Petrozza whose “level of maturity” won praise from Ramsey, but it backfired on Ben and he was sent home.

Meanwhile, Ramsey asked someone from the Red Team to volunteer to move over to the blue team for the next challenge. Corey wants Matt to return; she’s been gunning for Matt since he switched teams. During the Red Team’s reward (spa treatments), she openly told Matt, “You’re the next to go.” But Matt didn’t let Corey get to him; from under his chocolate face-mask and cucumber slices, he reminded her that it was he who helped them win. Then he told the women (strategically, I think) that he only cared if Ben went home first. No one enjoyed the spa treatments more than Matt who was even served iced tea by Ben.

This week Jen and Rosann both faltered during the dinner service, but Ramsey singled out Jen to receive his Navy Seal training techniques. Jen was dumbfounded and went through a whole range of emotions, but her funniest comment was: “Chef Ramsey, he got it out for me. He supposedly likes vocal people. He want a leader, he wants somebody to stand down. Now I guess he on his period or whatever today, so he gets pissed off at me when I try to be vocal and be the leader.”

(Above: The drama continues with chefs Matt, Corey, & Jen)

PJ

Dr. Phil offers more home-spun advice for feuding family members

I enjoy family feud episodes like today’s Sister in Law from Hell because Dr. Phil is really in his element. Guests whip themselves into a Jerry Springer-esque frenzy and Dr. Phil turns down the volume with rhetorical questions like: Do I look stupid to you? No seriously, did someone tell you I wasn’t very smart? I’ve yet to see someone reply, “Actually Dr. Phil, I met 10 people waiting in line this morning who said you weren’t very smart.” But no one ever acts defiant; individual family members are too busy justifying their own point of view. In-law strife episodes have been cloned hundreds of times with different families, but there was so much animosity between today’s family, I think Dr. Phil could not afford the liability of tossing them into “The Dr. Phil House” and letting nature take its course. Dr. P made it clear that if they sit on his stage, they become his “teaching tools.” So what is the difference between a teaching tool and a guinea pig?

Bottom line: No single person is the the only cause of family chaos. Take ownership of your role in creating the drama and kicking up the rhetoric.

Dr. Phil-ism: I tell ya’ if insight was lard, I couldn’t drink a skillet out of the whole bunch. Translation please?

PJ

Malissa loses cat fight {Groomer Has It}

I really want to like Malissa, but on Groomer Has It this week, she made it difficult for me to take her seriously. After telling us that she knows the difference between stuffed animals and real animals, she actually managed to get “bitten” by a stuffed German Sheppard. Later she said she had a “seventh sense,” realizing later that there are only 5 senses. The worst mistake was cutting off a cat’s whiskers after a judge told the groomers specifically “do not scissor the face or cut the whiskers.” That’s actually a mean thing to do because cats use their whiskers to judge distances. So Malissa went home. It was no contest between Malissa and Artist, who ended up at the bottom because he lost confidence when his cat “boo-booed three times; three times it put chocolate truffles on my table.” Mean Kathleen said that Malissa “is an insult to my gender,” but Kathleen is not impressive when it comes to her interpersonal skills (although she won “best in show” this week for cat grooming). Kathleen impressed the judges by knowing her role in the process: “I am her (the cat’s) servant, I am not her friend.” OK, but I wouldn’t claim cat worshiping as a credit to our gender, either.

What’s the difference between grooming a cat vs a dog? According to Jorge, dogs want to please you, but with a cat, “you have to please them…basically, they’re like a woman; you have to tell them what they want to hear, and they’ll work with you.” Jessica, the resident cat groomer, also had a difficult time with her cat. Earlier Jessica had begun to show claws in her personality, prompting Jorge to say, “I would like to put a muzzle on Jessica.”

Last week I wondered what CPR had to do with dog grooming, but this week I learned that a good groomer needs to know basic animal first aid in case of an emergency. The groomers had some pretty funny things to say before the Quick Sniff Challenge (performing 3 different types of first aid on three different dogs–2 stuffed animals and a CPR dog).

Jon: The CPR dog looked kind of like a stuffed-bear-sloth-creature. It needed a brushing.

Will: That CPR dog was crazy looking…I’m not putting my mouth on that thing, no way girlfriend.

Jorge: I had given a little Yorkie CPR and he had the worst breath.

Artist: You can’t be walking around with your scissors in your hand saying ‘I can give a Continental Cut like nobody’s business’…you’ve got to be solid.

Next week: Chow-Chow Challenge

Happy Mothers Day

Happy Mothers Day!

Tom Cruise seeks Oprah to help America forget “The Couch”

What prompted Tom Cruise to emerge from his million dollar bunker in Colarado and talk to Oprah? The Couch. I believe Tom wants us to forget all about The Couch, not just move on, but erase it from our memory. But it’s Cruise who can’t let it go; he could go on Oprah 100 more times and the backlash from The Couch will still haunt him. Cruise, in my opinion, is a big control freak who lacks a sense of humor! He doesn’t want the couch-jumping-episode to be his legacy. On his own couch in Colorado, he told Oprah “it was a moment.” It just kills Cruise that people have remembered and mocked his TV appearances. Tom Cruise is a man who wants to be taken seriously. Unfortunately (for him), when left unscripted, he’s hilarious because he takes himself too seriously. I think what prompted these latest reappearances is that the tabloid press continues to print and reprint the real and imagined details of his marriage to Katie Holmes. Tom and Katie try to rebut these stories by plastering themselves all over magazines of their choosing; they want what J Lo and M Anthony have: a mainstream (of sorts) magazine who visits by appointment and takes carefully choreographed photos of the their family acting normal. But it’s too late now because Tom has become official fodder for the tabloid press. So whatever actions he takes, there will be an equal reaction/backlash from the tabloids and the blogs and the YouTube crowd. So Tom better hurry up and make another movie–he is a talented actor, in my opinion, as well as a talented film producer. We need to see more of Tom doing what he does best on camera—acting, not interviewing.

As for that darn couch? If Oprah wants to get Cruise, she’ll auction off The Couch on one of her shows. Why would she want to get back at Cruise? Well, he didn’t invite her to his wedding. He invited Brooke Shields (after she went on Oprah to rebut what Tom said about her). Oprah allegedly sent him a note saying she’d be out of town on the weekend of Cruise’s wedding once she heard that the invitations were sent out! But Cruise, ever mindful of his image, didn’t want to allign himself with Oprah and her couch. You’ve got to feel sorry for The Couch–it’s become an innocent victim in this sorted ordeal! The Smithsonion Institution has a collection of famous TV furniture (Archie and Edith’s armchairs from All in the Family, for example) and I’m sure that they’ll be asking Oprah to donate The Couch. What she does when that happens will reveal a lot about Oprah and her alliances. I’ll write more about Oprah some other time, but meanwhile, here’s what all the hoopla’s been about.

The following links will take you right into YouTube. I neither created nor posted these videos on YouTube, I just thought they best showed off Tom’s wacky “moments” in TV history. The first one has been edited and sped up by it’s creator for laughs!Video of the famous “Couch Episode”

Next is a short video of Tom’s views on medication and psychiatry in an interview with The Today Show’s Matt Lauer. It has been shortened by its editor to highlight Cruise’s intensity.

Another time, Cruise went on television to explain the Church of Scientology. In this single appearance, Tom managed to make himself and Scientology look strange and scary at the same time. Remakes of this interview got really weird: See this Video parody of Tom Cruise’s commitment to Scientology and decide for yourself.

Personally, I don’t think we can forget about The Couch. For me it represents one of the reasons Amercia is a fun place to live! Lighten up, Tom.

Your Fan,

PJ

Bear Grylls is trying hard to be an anti-role model {Best Week Ever}

National Geographic Discovery Channel has lawsuit waiting to happen with Man vs. Wild. Host Bear Grylls’s gross-out appeal is just made for bored tween-aged boys needing another excuse to injure insects and animals. I can hear it now: “Hey dad, the Beaver and I are going outside to play Man vs. Wild. It’s OK, Dad, it’s the Discovery Channel.”

As highlighted on VH1’s Best Week Ever:

Adam Winer (writer): Bear went on to cook more bugs, cut off fish heads, stab a frog into a tree, and dig into a rotting carcass.

Bear: This should be cooked, but it’s not the time nor the place to start a fire!

John Mulaney (comedian): No. this is a good time to start a fire; when you have raw meat, it’s the best time.

Paul Scheer: (actor/comedian): But like all bindgers, all that eating caught up with him and…wow…yikes!

Bear: I think I have to stop here for two seconds; this diarrhea is not waiting for anyone.

PJ: Lovely. I don’t get it. He’s not a contestant in a game show, he can’t possibly be making a documentary, so what’s his point? I’m not impressed with Mr. Bear.

Moving on and lightening up– a highlight of this week’s Best Week Ever was Brooke White , an American Idol eliminated contestant, parodying herself with an infomercial, “Brooke White: Stop and Sing the Classics,” which was as good, if not better, than a Saturday Night Live sketch! Brooke’s ability to laugh at herself is worthy of a role model!

PJ

Mariah and Nick say tatoos, not diamonds, are forever {Chelsea Lately}

Thursday night on Chelsea Lately, Chelsea Handler and her round-table guests, mused over Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon’s recent nuptials. The newlyweds apparently chose to get tattoos rather than exchange rings to commemorate their marriage. According to Nick (via People Magazine) tattoos are better than rings; they “professed our love and they hurt.” Nick chose to have “M-A-R-I-A-H” tramp-stamped across his back, whereas Mariah had “Nick” inked into one of her buns-of-steel. The round-table weighed in:

Jason Kennedy (E! News Correspondent): This is not henna, folks, this is permanent.

Chelsea: Let me say Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson, their tattoos worked. I mean they stayed together even while they were married to other people.

LaVell Crawford (Comedian): I mean Nick, why he got a big-all-over-his-back Mariah, and she got it right on her butt-cheek, look like a crap stain or something like that…I can’t even read hers, does it say Mrs. Cannon or Mrs. Can? I know why he did it because her album is doing way better than his ever did…

Chelsea: They said they flew down two commercial jets filled with lobsters for the wedding. Can you imagine how pissed you’d be if you were in coach and there’s a lobster up front?

Arden Myrin (Mad TV): They were in the Bahamas, like can’t you get a lobster? Do you have to fly them in?…I think they were trying to upstage Jay z and Beoncee.

LaVell: I think those tattoos are temporary. I think he can lick them off in a Cracker Jack box.

PJ (From Her Laptop): Is it the new fad to bring along a trusted tattoo artist and his equipment to a proposal rather than a diamond ring ? I’d take a ring any day, even if I had buns-of-steel.

Have a nice weekend,

PJ

Your “search term” Q & A …{Blogs}

It can be frustrating when your search terms don’t lead you to what you want to know. Several people have found my blog and their questions were not answered. I hope you enjoyed reading anyway, and to thank you for stopping by, I will try to find out some answers for you or point you in the right direction:

Q: How old is Judge Judy?

A: Judge Judy’s birthday is October 21, 1942. I found this on the Dead or Alive website.

Q: Is Robyn leaving Dr. Phil?

A: This story surfaced on April 18th and the official reply is “no comment.” To add your two cents to the discussion, click on this interesting site.

Q: Where can I get Bethany’s book?

A: Check out this link to Bethany Frankel’s official website for all things Bethany.

Q: How do I find a job on the WWE?

A: Here are the job postings on the WWE Corporate Website.

Q: Tell me about the magic life in the white house?

A: This is a title of a book, The magic Life, about a murder mystery at the white house.

Q: Tell me about the poodles in the show?

A: Check out Groomer Has It dog grooming contestant, Sarah Grace McCandless’s blog, The Groomer Mill, for detailed information about all the groomers and the dogs that they groom on the show.

Q: I’m looking for information about the spandex leg man?

A: I couldn’t find the spandex leg man but I found out that the Spandex Man is Toby McGuire. Who knew?

Hope this helps!

PJ