Memo to Candidates: How far will you go to get my vote? {Best Week Ever}

April 28, 2008

I’m always up for a good laugh, but not when Presidential Candidates make a mockery of the democratic process. The commentators on VH1’s Best Week Ever remarked that Americans witnessed the end of democracy when Senators Clinton, Obama, and McCain made appearances (via satellite) on WWE. So I ask the candidates if they would consider a few more challenges? How far out of the box (or out of their minds) are they willing to go to get our votes? I drafted the following memo of future suggestions:

TO: The 2008 Presidential Candidates

FROM: An American Citizen and Registered Voter

SUBJECT: How far will you go to Get My Vote?

Dear Senators:

Thank you for participating in the latest WWE match aired on the USA network. Your appearances generated hope for Americans that you three will go to great lengths to make us want you to be our next president. How much farther are you willing to go? I have generated a list of possibilities for your consideration:

1) WWE will have a rematch at the Democratic National Convention. At the Republican Convention, John McCain, Ron Paul, and Mike Huckabee will hold a Dance Dance Revolution contest. The Independents will celebrate Earth Day again.

2) The Electoral College will be comprised of veterans, inner-city high school teachers, and Oprah’s Book Club.

3) The President will appoint a new Committee for Celebrity Assistance. Celebrities will be on call to visit victims of natural disasters and sign autographs.

4) The Inaugural Ball parties will focus on honoring the men and women who serve or have served in our armed forces. Note to VP: You will be required to serve punch.

3) Military bands will now be playing at the funerals of fallen soldiers and at US airports to officially welcome our soldiers home. If you insist that someone play Hail to the Chief when you walk in a room, hire your own DJ.

4) Televised debates are annoying, so the next debates will be between Nationally Syndicated Talk Radio hosts. This time you candidates will ask the questions and the media will just shut up for once.

5) The American taxpayers will no longer furnish your private apartments in the White House. You may bring your own furniture, or buy furniture off of Craig’s List like everyone else.

6) The exterior of the White House will remain white, but inside it’s all green, baby! (No more indoor plumbing).

7) All State Dinners will be Pot-Luck.

8) All flights on Air Force One must be corporate sponsored. I have to find money to pay for fuel, so why shouldn’t you?

9) Official speeches will be written by local 7th and 8th grade winners of the Power of the Pen contest.

10) The Department of Education will change to the Department of Homeland Citizenship (DHC). The DHC will be responsible for helping immigrants pass the citizenship test and receive the documents they need to go to college. You will have to trust elected officials of state and local government take responsibility of public education.

Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

Cc: American Public

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Small dog groomers had a leg up in challenge {Groomer Has It}

April 28, 2008

On Animal Planet’s Groomer Has It, dogs are people too. Puppy size mattered when volunteers handed over their puppies to Reality TV groomers for the third challenge. Will was awarded the “top dog” prize because he showered his Pomeranian puppy with hugs and kisses. The judges were sympathetic to Will’s transformation; last week, they poo-pooed Will for using the wrong brush on a Bearded Collie. This week Will was determined to show how much “he loves dogs.” Sadly Jon was told to “leave the doghouse” after “failing to meet the grooming standards of the puppy grooming challenge.” Never mind that Jon’s puppy was a Great Pyrenese and with the exception of the Leonberger, was the size of a full grown Labrador Retriever! Contestants who were given small dogs definitely had the advantage with the 90 minute time frame. But they had to please the owners of small dogs who are very picky about their dog’s appearance. Groomers of small dogs make house calls and call themselves “dog stylists” instead of “dog groomers.” Kathleen, the”Quick Sniff” contest winner, was the only groomer allowed to choose her puppy, a white Pomeranian named Princess who arrived wearing a little red skirt. The rest were given their puppies at random, and it took poor Jon a full hour just to dry fur of the giant Pyrenese pup. This left him little time for the actual “grooming/styling” phase. Jon chose to focus on styling the fur on the puppy’s head because did not have time take care of the other end. The judges offered him no sympathy and bolted from their chairs and headed right for the tail. It wasn’t fair that the judges didn’t scrutinize the other groomers, and I wish Jon could have summoned Tyra Banks to give his dog “a Brazillian Booty Facial.” The moral of the story? Who cares if there’s a Writier’s Strike when you have shows like Grommer Has It? Next week the contestants have to design doggy outfits–another contest where size matters. What does designing clothes have to do with dog grooming? It doesn’t really matter becuase until Project Runway begins, I’m watching Groomer Has It.

See ya’

PJ


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