Why I’m yawning through American Idol…

On the last episode of American idol, the contestants sang Neil Diamond tunes. My 11 year old daughter had never heard of Neil Diamond, and after the show had no future desire to listen to Neil Diamond. She loves American Idol for its future stars. However, I’d prefer if the finalists sang their own music, not cover the “classics” because the original artists sang them better!!! I feel fortunate enough my age (44) to have been able to go to see these original artists as well as some amazing bands perform “LIVE” in concert. Back then a concert felt like a once in a lifetime opportunity (unless you were a Deadhead). If I’m getting too sentimental it’s because what I like about American Idol is the fact that its TV audience actually sits around a single television set (or plasma HD flatscreen) and watches this show together. Does anyone remember watching The Wonderful World of Disney on Sunday nights with their family? So I will continue to tune in and tolerate American Idol for sentimental reasons, not because I think the show is fun to watch (its not).

PJ

p.s. I can’t end this post without suggesting how the producers can spice up the show: No more icons on Idol—Barry Manilow, Julie Andrews, Josh Groban, and the cast of The Lion King are out. Bring in Marilyn Manson, Trent Reznor, and David Lee Roth (finalists must wear spandex). I’d also be happier if each finalist could arrange their own version of a former one-hit-wonder. Until then, I’ll be yawning through American Idol and looking forward to next season’s hilarious audition episodes.

PJ

Surreal Life: White House Edition? {Chelsea Lately}

I wish I could have seen the “famous” Reality TV stars mixing and mingling at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner. According to comedian Chelsea Handler, who hosts her own late-night show, Chelsea Lately, Heidi and what’s-his-name from The Hills were there as well as Jessica Simpson and Miley Syrus, who’s show Hannah Montana, is sort of real. Chelsea herself was surprised to be invited and remarked that she felt as if she were cast in The Surreal Life: White House Edition.

I’m uneasy about blending of Reality TV with Capital Hill. Chelsea thinks a change of administration will change the surreal-life atmosphere, but I’m afraid we’re on a slippery slope to the land of tacky. What’s next in short-run-series Reality TV Genre? Recording artist Carnie Wilson will star in her 4th(?) reality series, Celebracadabra where celebs compete to become the next famous magician. OK. Why not make it more interesting and have contestants tame tigers? I have fond memories of Circus of the Stars. A variety show like that could become quite twisted if there were elimination contests involved! Maybe the winner of Celebracadabra could make guest appearances on the upcoming shows: Jennifer Lopez juggles (or jiggles) motherhood with…all that is involved with being J Lo; sugar-sweet couple Kelly Ripa and husband Mark Consuelos show us their sweet selves; and Denise Richards dispells all the rumors about her (I forgot what they were). It seems the direction of Reality TV will be more star-studded in the future. But as a fan of biographies and memoirs, I know that famous people don’t always lead the most interesting private lives. I’ll have to see if any of these new shows get any attention.

PJ

Memo to Candidates: How far will you go to get my vote? {Best Week Ever}

I’m always up for a good laugh, but not when Presidential Candidates make a mockery of the democratic process. The commentators on VH1’s Best Week Ever remarked that Americans witnessed the end of democracy when Senators Clinton, Obama, and McCain made appearances (via satellite) on WWE. So I ask the candidates if they would consider a few more challenges? How far out of the box (or out of their minds) are they willing to go to get our votes? I drafted the following memo of future suggestions:

TO: The 2008 Presidential Candidates

FROM: An American Citizen and Registered Voter

SUBJECT: How far will you go to Get My Vote?

Dear Senators:

Thank you for participating in the latest WWE match aired on the USA network. Your appearances generated hope for Americans that you three will go to great lengths to make us want you to be our next president. How much farther are you willing to go? I have generated a list of possibilities for your consideration:

1) WWE will have a rematch at the Democratic National Convention. At the Republican Convention, John McCain, Ron Paul, and Mike Huckabee will hold a Dance Dance Revolution contest. The Independents will celebrate Earth Day again.

2) The Electoral College will be comprised of veterans, inner-city high school teachers, and Oprah’s Book Club.

3) The President will appoint a new Committee for Celebrity Assistance. Celebrities will be on call to visit victims of natural disasters and sign autographs.

4) The Inaugural Ball parties will focus on honoring the men and women who serve or have served in our armed forces. Note to VP: You will be required to serve punch.

3) Military bands will now be playing at the funerals of fallen soldiers and at US airports to officially welcome our soldiers home. If you insist that someone play Hail to the Chief when you walk in a room, hire your own DJ.

4) Televised debates are annoying, so the next debates will be between Nationally Syndicated Talk Radio hosts. This time you candidates will ask the questions and the media will just shut up for once.

5) The American taxpayers will no longer furnish your private apartments in the White House. You may bring your own furniture, or buy furniture off of Craig’s List like everyone else.

6) The exterior of the White House will remain white, but inside it’s all green, baby! (No more indoor plumbing).

7) All State Dinners will be Pot-Luck.

8) All flights on Air Force One must be corporate sponsored. I have to find money to pay for fuel, so why shouldn’t you?

9) Official speeches will be written by local 7th and 8th grade winners of the Power of the Pen contest.

10) The Department of Education will change to the Department of Homeland Citizenship (DHC). The DHC will be responsible for helping immigrants pass the citizenship test and receive the documents they need to go to college. You will have to trust elected officials of state and local government take responsibility of public education.

Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

Cc: American Public

Small dog groomers had a leg up in challenge {Groomer Has It}

On Animal Planet’s Groomer Has It, dogs are people too. Puppy size mattered when volunteers handed over their puppies to Reality TV groomers for the third challenge. Will was awarded the “top dog” prize because he showered his Pomeranian puppy with hugs and kisses. The judges were sympathetic to Will’s transformation; last week, they poo-pooed Will for using the wrong brush on a Bearded Collie. This week Will was determined to show how much “he loves dogs.” Sadly Jon was told to “leave the doghouse” after “failing to meet the grooming standards of the puppy grooming challenge.” Never mind that Jon’s puppy was a Great Pyrenese and with the exception of the Leonberger, was the size of a full grown Labrador Retriever! Contestants who were given small dogs definitely had the advantage with the 90 minute time frame. But they had to please the owners of small dogs who are very picky about their dog’s appearance. Groomers of small dogs make house calls and call themselves “dog stylists” instead of “dog groomers.” Kathleen, the”Quick Sniff” contest winner, was the only groomer allowed to choose her puppy, a white Pomeranian named Princess who arrived wearing a little red skirt. The rest were given their puppies at random, and it took poor Jon a full hour just to dry fur of the giant Pyrenese pup. This left him little time for the actual “grooming/styling” phase. Jon chose to focus on styling the fur on the puppy’s head because did not have time take care of the other end. The judges offered him no sympathy and bolted from their chairs and headed right for the tail. It wasn’t fair that the judges didn’t scrutinize the other groomers, and I wish Jon could have summoned Tyra Banks to give his dog “a Brazillian Booty Facial.” The moral of the story? Who cares if there’s a Writier’s Strike when you have shows like Grommer Has It? Next week the contestants have to design doggy outfits–another contest where size matters. What does designing clothes have to do with dog grooming? It doesn’t really matter becuase until Project Runway begins, I’m watching Groomer Has It.

See ya’

PJ

Dr. Phil Show still trolling to “Bail-Out” more teens

“Are you in a high school filled with DRAMA & SCANDAL? Is your best friend sleeping with your boyfriend, do others constantly talk behind your back or did someone steal your prom date? Is your best friend failing and missing class because of drugs and alcohol during 4th period?* Are you ready to divorce your high school completely?

PLEASE RESPOND ONLY IF YOU ARE WILLING TO

APPEAR ON TELEVISION WITH DR. PHIL.”

This is what happens when you press the Click Button on the TEENS: HAVE HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA? message scrolling across the top of the Dr. Phil Official Website!

It seems that the good doctor still wants to exploit the “teens in crisis” demographic (with the exception of teens needing paternity tests ‘cuz that’s Montel’s turf). Hopefully, Dr. P won’t send out his “staff” to post bail to “get the exclusive.” Can Dr. Phil book his teen guests without making a complete ass of himself? He has a good shot if the potential guests answer this cute list of questions. Then Dr. Phil can avoid avoid knocking on the doors of jails and mental hospitals with a camera crew in tow. You’ve got to admire his tenacity (ten-ass-ity), that is.

PJ

*Note to Dr. Phil’s copy editor: I’m sure you take home a pretty sweet paycheck from the Dr. Phil Show so do not insult Dr. Phil with your poor grammar!! This sentence contains a blatant misplaced modifier unless you meant to ask if teens do drugs and alcohol during fourth period.

Praise the Lord and Pass the Polygraph {Dr. Phil Show}

Confronting Grandpa—Even though the content of today’s show registered high on the creep-me-out meter, I sucked it up and watched the second part of the child molestation story. Parker (a 12 year old child molester) is not at fault for being born to a mother (Sherry-Lynn) who was molested by a crazy, Bible thumping father (Al). Parker’s grandmother admitted that she should have gone to jail for not protecting Sherry-Lynn (duh), and her lack of awareness was unforgivable (double-duh). Al insisted that he is not a pedophile because he’s not molesting right now. By that logic, a bank robber is not a bank robber if he is not robbing a bank right now. Al referred to his blood relations being important, but Dr. Phil didn’t pick up on the implications of that phrase. I used to work at a shelter for battered women and children and I remember a woman telling me that her Uncle (a preacher) felt he could do what he wanted to do his “relations.” (Ironically, this man also beat his children with an extension cord) Within this warped view, Al is guilty only if he is molesting people outside his family. However, the polygraph revealed that Al’s proclamations of innocence were “deceptive.” Welcome to the real world, Al; maybe this summer you can teach that Bible class after all–in prison!

Still Waiting for my Dr. Phil Lite,

PJ

I’m ready for some Dr. Phil Lite! {Dr. Phil Show}

Call me a wimp, but I could not stomach the content of the Dr. Phil show today (Child Molestation). I’m just thankful that Dr. Phil listened to these guests and I give everyone who watched this episode a lot of credit. You are braver than I am. I’m ready to watch some Dr. Phil Lite!

PJ

Padma Lakshmi Wanted to Lick the Bowl! {Top Chef Chicago}

An arousing round of applause goes out to Top Chef host, Padma Lakshmi, for her reaction to the first course of last night’s elimination round when she said demurely, “I want to lick the bowl.” I could hear my fellow armchair critics shouting, “C’mon, Padma! Lick it! Lick it!” Last night’s episode was full of suggestive discourse and content. After an entertaining Judges Table, the chefs were surprised when Jen was eliminated. However, no one was more surprised than Jen and her cooking partner, Stephanie; either one could have been sent home, but it was Jen who defended the asparagus and cheese dish (meant to look like a threesome), insisting that plating each asparagus as an erection was a good idea.

Cheers,

PJ

Chef Ramsey’s Naaasty Pasta {Hell’s Kitchen}

Only a Reality TV show can cut to commercial and leave me on the edge of my seat wondering what a pile of pasta weighs. The only hellish thing I can see is the lack of sanitary conditions in Hell’s Kitchen. I was so grossed out by the pasta-draping scenario that I’m tempted not to order another pasta dish. Later, more accidents happened in a kitchen run by sleep-deprived chefs who can’t tell the difference between raw and cooked chicken. Answer according to Chef Ramsey: Raw chicken is “Pink and Bloody!” Yum.

PJ

Alex’s wild child gets a pass {The Real Housewives of NYC Reunion}

I wish the NYC housewives would have dished about feisty Francois attacking Bethany’s boyfriend’s hamburger with a toy kangaroo at the finale dinner. Granted, the ladies probably agreed beforehand that discussing Alex and Simon’s parenting skills (or lack thereof) was in poor taste. I guess Alex and Simon didn’t get the memo that it’s not cool to talk about money and the trappings of NYC ‘s Blue Book society; if you don’t display good taste and manners, you will be labeled as “gauche” or as Bethany put it, “All Show and No Go.” I’ve got to hand it to Alex, she is unflappable, and you must agree that Simon has been a perfect gentleman all along! But please spare me another sighting of Alex’s butt-crack, thank you.

Until Next Season,

PJ